Make-up – Shit Women Do

Beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, stunning, radiant, glowing, hot, smokin’, unbelievable.

Tired, exhausted, sad, painful, nice, ok, hot, mad, old.

Now put, “you look” before each word. Can you guess which ones describe someone with make up and without? Hey sister, it’s not just men who use these terms! So we don’t leave the house without makeup, or if someone is coming over, you’re going to be snap chatting, FaceTiming or it’s a selfie day.

Everyone has a different routine, but we all start with a big sigh as we look at our face, followed by an OMG and making weird faces by pulling and squishing every inch of the pained monstrosity.

Did I drive home or take an Uber last night?

Crap, wanted too much time on the taffy pulling, I need to wash this layer of gross off. Splash of water and a towel or the washing ritual that in and of itself that alone that takes 30 minuets.

Oh god, I didn’t call Mark (the ex-bf) last night, did I?

Then out comes the magic tray / box / countertop, or all of the above, and it’s on. This pre-face is going down! This is down to a science, a specific order, predetermined colors and amount depending on what the day ahead holds. There’s work face, errand face, the make my x jealous face, running / cycling face, tennis face, I’m getting laid tonight face, shit I did the wrong face for the occasion face, staying home face, burb moms face and my personal favorite, the I don’t give a shit face.

I subscribe whole heartedly to the last one. Most women avoid the last one as much as possible, with only a fatal illness that keeps her makeup off limits, there is always some level of face painting going on.

So, after the cleansing ritual begins the sacrifice. Starts with a bit of concealer in order to attemp a cover up of the North Star. Moving to foundation, yes, like concrete for a building, but this shit is much stronger. So if you had to evacuate the building at this point, you would see a colorless mask covering even the eye lids, lips and the eye lashes look creepy too. Don’t even ask about the mop of what resembles hair on the top of your head.

Wait. Oh shit, I think I DID call Mark . . . Fuuuuuuuuck.

Attention will now focus on lips or eyes. You’d think easy, just pull some lipstick across your lips or a dash of eyeshadow and mascara. See, THIS is where the man-brain and women-brain can never be in the same space. This inability to think the same way, regardless of the verbal agreements or statements made at this point, THIS is why we are never ready to go when you are. For lips alone, at least 6 products: foundation (yes, that was in the previous step, but there is foundation for lips alone), base, color, liner, moisteriszer and gloss. Plus all the bushes you need. Everyone knows all makeup has it’s own brush or applicator, and the one that came with it just won’t do.

Did I actually SEE Mark last night????

The eyes, oh, the eyes. The never ending array of colors & textures, lights & darks, neons & glow-in-the-dark, smokey & naturals. Just like numbers, there are an infinite amount of combinations available for the eyes. Plus there is artwork! Even if only one color is worn, there are a plethora of different shades blended, sparkly, matte, reflective, prismatic. The eyes have it, and they have it all. Just head over to YouTube and enter ‘eye makeup’ in the search engine. The average ‘how to get this look’ video is half of your life in man-time.

Aren’t we done now, that’s it, right? Awe hell no! There is still contouring, highlighting, blush and finishing powder to lock it all in. I’m so tired of standing in front of this mirror. It is SO and upday for my hair, where is that scrunchy to put this rats nest in something that resembles an up-do I was shooting for. I need caffeine , I smell coffee. Wow, my neighbors mugs have some strong coffee.

“Hey, Good Morning sunshine! Coffee?”

Oh, holy fuck shit! What the hell did I drink last night? Fuck!!!

“Get the fuck out Mark!!!” In pure astonishment, I herd him to the door with not explanation and not another word. He stands in the door with both cups of coffee in his hands with that stupid look on his face. I grab one of the cups and slam the door on his face.

Screw this. I’m going back to bed and staying there.

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