My Skinny Jeans – Shit Women Do

We all have ‘that pair’ in our closet, our skinny jeans. We will never, ever throw them away. They represent different things to each of us, one day I will, I once was. Everything that lives around that pair of skinny jeans, however, is a different story. A woman’s closet is a mini store in and of itself. First, you have your seasons and depending on your climate will determine the severity of your seasonal fluxuation (someone in Chicago will have a heavier winter collection than someone in Miami). Now, within those seasons, there are formal, business/work, casual, comfy, p.j., and junk clothes. Formal is going to be your LBD, anything with sequins, shines, glittery, floor length, etc. Business attire is self explanatory. The difference between casual and comfy is casual can be worn in public, comfy not so much. The junk clothes, that’s the clothes we use to clean out the garage in, heavy yard work, paint, destructive things. Now, everyone knows the next one. We have at least two sizes in most of the above. There is no real designation between them unless there is a significant size reduction. Most of the time it just depends on how you feel that day. Bloated and lazy, it’s time for those baggy pants or that peasant skirt with the drawstring waist. Feeling awesome and hot, time for those jeggins with the back slit top. When we loose those 7 pounds though, buddy, SHOPPING SPREE! Even if there is shit in our closet that fits, it’s time for new goodies. Every so often, we purge. We go through, piece by piece. The first to go are usually the fashion disasters, left overs from the neon 80’s or the grunge 90’s. Next, the ones we know we will never, and I mean never fit into again (except for those skinny jeans). The next casualty, with our new found sveltness, the two-ton Tessy pants, well, at least a couple. You keep a couple of nice ones that you really like, just in case, and hide them in the back of the closet. After four bags of donations, your closet is still bulging at the door, your searching for hangers, you have no drawer space, the skinny jeans still have their coveted spot on the top shelf.  Yet even with a proverbial mall in that closet, you wear a uniform or the standard ‘work outfit’ to work, come home and put on your favorite pair of sweats and a grubby t-shirt that you have worn since 1998 almost 98% of the time. Classic.

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Isn’t there a point of going too far?

I just read that a leader in the Women’s March is calling for a boycott of #Starbucks because of an affiliation with the #ADL.  Really?  Talk about a disconnect.  The Women’s March.  What does it mean to you?  I marched that day just over a year ago.  The day after trump was sworn into the office of President of the United States.  It shouldn’t have been that way, but it was.  To me that march was about everything awful and repulsive people were becoming here, how it was becoming ok to act out all of that hate.  It was about inclusiveness.

Last week, two black men were not only kicked out of a Starbucks, but arrested, for the simple act of pointing out a baristas’ racism.  Let me repeat, one person was a jackass to another person.  Stop.  Before you go off on me, start typing your comments, screaming I have no place to belittle the experience of being discriminated against, I’m not black and could never know.  No, I don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning as a black man.  I empathize with the fact that every morning waking up as a black male, there is a chance they could die because of their skin color.  I don’t think there is another demographic that lives with that specific fear in this country.  There is no denying this country hasn’t become ‘every man is equal’, where everyone is judged for their character and not their appearance.  Now, you can be angry and stop reading, or you could take a breath and follow my (sometimes strange) logic.

We saw how immediate and successful social media boycotts were regarding NRA affiliation.  The swells of reactions, posts, podcasts and coverage to the latest event. This is the atmosphere that is around us in the wake of instantaneous information.  At the rate these boycotts are called for, all companies would eventually be on one list or another.  Remember the Chick-Fil-A outrage, that the owners did not support LBGT rights?  Do you also remember once the boycott was in full swing the lines to get that chicken sandwich wrapped around the buildings (a backfire boycott).  Or the employees and managers of Chick-Fil-A that were / supported the LBGT community spoke out in defense of the very company thats COO opposed same-sex marriage because it was a good place to work.  I do have to say here, SERIOUSLY guys, they aren’t known only for their chicken, anti-cow cows and lemonade, everyone KNOWS they are closed on Sunday, because the owners are religious (devout Southern Baptists).  There is a large grocery store chain in Texas (before they were purchased), Randall’s / TomThumb that did not carry alcohol, of any type.  The owners were Mormon.  If they didn’t sell alcohol I’m not thinking it’s too hard to imagine of their LBGT views.  As far as I know there hasn’t been a boycott.

So, we have a national company.  The Vice President, Bob, hates puppies.  One weekend, Bob attends an anti-puppy fundraiser that’s covered by the news.   Who cares?  Should Bob, who attended as Bob the individual, be fired from the company because pro-puppy advocates threaten to boycott unless he (Bob) is fired?  Now what if Bob the VP runs over puppies in the company van?  Is that now the company’s fault for the action of one employee?  Will the reaction of the company be enough?  What is the “right” reaction; training, firing, donations?   Now say that same company hosts and donates to that same anti-puppy fundraiser covered by the news.  In the second scenario, is it more acceptable because it’s not just Bob but the company that supports anti-puppy organizations?

Does that company get publicly ‘punished’ in all situations?

This brings me back to the bathroom blockade.  Starbucks is an international company, a successful company.  They are diverse, customer oriented and focused.  Even in their mission statement has ‘a culture of warmth & belonging, where everyone is welcome’.  They have been underfire regularly for many reasons (makes you wonder how they still make money).  Cups, gay rights, gun rights plus a slew of fake controversy (not supporting military, foreign investments).  There are more than 26,000 shops across the globe with more than 250,000 employees.  This is why I ‘minimized’ the encounter that it was one person being a jackass to another.  Now if the company did nothing, or worse, supported the actions and behavior of that one person, I would flip out with the rest of them.  However, she was fired.  She was fired, the CEO apologized and on May 29th more than half of the employees in the company (170,000+) will have racial-bias education.  Why still boycott them?

boy·cott (boi′kŏt′) tr.v. boy·cott·ed, boy·cott·ing, boy·cotts

To abstain from or act together in abstaining from using, buying, dealing with, or participating in as an expression of protest or disfavor or as a means of coercion: boycott a business; boycott merchants; boycott buses; boycott an election.

It shouldn’t have happen and if you want to just be pissed at them just because, go for it.  But still protesting a specific event with demands that the company has met or is acting in good faith, what is the protest really for?  The local protest (well, and viral) in front of the store was the catalyst for the company wide positive reaction and the initial reason that managers employment was terminated.  It was successful, very successful.  Now the step forward should be education, working on the root cause.  Energy focused on the error, the past, is wasted.

So what does all of this have to do with the Women’s March?  First, I take offense to the fact that a single person is being labeled as a “Women’s March Leader” and making blanket decisions and statements for the millions of people coming together for largest single day movement ever.  This single person, Tamika Mallory, under the moniker of co-president of the Women’s March, is calling for re-boycotting Starbucks.  The crazy ass chain of connection is the reason I had to write this.  Ready?

  • Two black men enter a Starbucks to meet someone.  While waiting, one asked to use the bathroom.
  • The manager refused to allow him stating it was for paying customers only.  During this time, a white male was allowed to use the bathroom.  He had not purchased anything.
  • He confronted the manager.  She had no response or reason for the action, demanding he leave and calling the police.
  • The video goes viral.  People boycott the location where it happened.  Others called for a boycott on line.
  • Starbucks acted: fired the manager, COO apologized for the employee’s behavior, the company announces racial-bias education classes.
  • Starbucks enlists organizations to assist and participate in this education.  Some are Eric Holder, Sherrily Ifill (President NAACP) and Jonathan Greenblat (CEO ADL).
  • Tamika Mallory calls for a boycott of Starbucks (again) because of it’s affiliation to the ADL (Anti Defimation League).
  • At one time the ADL CEO criticized her support of Louis Farrakhan.  Tamika Mallory supports Louis Farrakhan.
  • Farrakhan has indicated anti-semitism, anti-white, homophobic, Scientology involvement.

So, what did or does the Women’s March and the Women’s March movement mean to you?  For me, it’s more than marching in the streets, clever signs and pink pussy hats.  It’s about inclusion, education and change.  It means standing up for each other.  It means power and persistence.  It means responsibility.  With numbers that power is great and the responsibility greater.  Having so much influence on a national and international commerce by calling for a boycott is amazing.  Flogging that influence isn’t constructive and can even be corrosive.  Calling for a boycott for every non PC event, action or inclusion only takes away from the influence and dilutes the power.  So before jumping on the bandwagon for a boycott, just remember puppies.

This Can’t Be Real & Why Is It Still Happening

I am stunned.  I can’t believe this is the world I live in.  What has this country let happen and continue to happen, inflaming every situation and relationship.

I am far from a patriotic, flag waving, country centered American, I’m just one of many who happened to be born here, citizen of the world.  What is transpiring in the United States is in no way American, patriotic, protective, honorable or humane.

THIS IS NOT MY COUNTRY!  THIS IS NOT AMERICAN!  THIS IS NOT PATRIOTIC!  THIS IS NOT HONORABLE!  THIS IS NOT HUMANE!

What will it take to even just remove this man from the Presidency.  I don’t care what your political affiliation is, any person that condones in ANY WAY hate, hate groups, violence and supremacy has no business in charge of this or any country.

I have questioned the legitimacy of this administration the moment it was confirmed that the election was interfered with.  At that moment, all executive and cabinet decisions and actions should have been frozen, regardless of who the interference appears to benefit.  I won’t bullshit, if Hilary or Bernie were in the oval, I probably would not have had it in my mind.  It actually would have just been a continuation of the never ending 30,000 email crap that’s been going on, along with Benghazi, uranium and hell, even Monica.  However, neither would not be condoning racism, white supremacy, neo-nazi groups.  Neither wouldn’t have insulted every ally we have.  They wouldn’t have exited the Paris accord.  They wouldn’t be having a pissing contest with North Korea.  They would have released her taxes.  They wouldn’t be knowingly and intentionally lying.  Daily.

Hillary & Bernie would not be standing in front of the press, yelling at them and anyone listening that it wasn’t the neo-nazis’ fault, but those aggressive, bat-wheelding alt-left protesters (who were there WITHOUT a permit).

For a year now, this country has had to shake its collective head, hope other countries know our outdated election system is in need of an overhaul, that the few do DO NOT represent the many and apologize for how the new “commander” in chief is behaving on the world stage.  However, all of his gaffs, inexperience, rudeness, bullish attitude are all repairable and recoverable once his term is up, but this.  No.

This country, if it does not act appropriately to these actions, actions cumulatively on a path littered with destruction to this apex of arrogance and hate, will destroy itself.  This country is rapidly on a self-destructive course with a mad-man at the helm.  For some reason, those that have the ability to remove this egotistical destroyer of all, have yet to do so, and with each day, the country loses more and more.  Soon, there will be no country, well at least the country that anyone knows.  It will become unfamiliar, foreign, cold, unwelcoming.  What you woke up to today, the beauty of the sky, the opportunities in front of you, the quaint or quirky neighborhood you live it, it will all change.  You won’t wake up to that anymore.

You go ahead and start to compose your own 1984 world, what it will be like for you and better yet, what it will be like for your children.  I’m almost 50.  I have no kids.  I could easily shrug my shoulders and just mind my own business, go about my day.  I’ve lived most of my life, I’ve actually made it longer than I thought, so ‘yeah me!’.  I can’t do that.  I can’t watch as this complete insanity not only continues, but is allowed to run off leash. People are the casualties from the daily barrage of words and actions from this crazy man.  Pick any topic, it has or will be shortly, impacted and chances are almost 100% in a negative way.

This must end.  Even if it means all of us going into the damn white house and carrying his ass out of there.

The Rules – Shit Women Do

The number of ‘How To’ and self-help guides out there on landing a man could fill a small city library. One of the great ones (she said with a shit eating grin) was “The Rules”, a detailed road map of how to get any guy out there, guaranteed, IF you followed all the rules. Sounded simple enough, follow some simple rules, laid out in detail, couldn’t be any worse than the savory advice you get from your girlfriends at 1:15 in the morning, drunk at the bar after an unsuccessful night in the clubs of man hunting, again. Crying with her into your rum and coke (sorry, diet coke) in your great new shoes that are now on the bar stool next to you because they were killing your feet by 10 and that outfit that you were sure would at least get the back up guy to hit on you. So, you bought a copy of The Rules. There are 35 rules. Crap, 35! 35! I already have a problem with authority, and now this book wants me to follow 35 freaking rules? O.k., the first rule: Be a “creature unlike any other”. I think we have accomplished that, just read this book, women are fucking weird! I’m not going to list all of the rules, because, well, they are just insane, but some highlights. #7 is don’t accept a Saturday night date after a Wednesday. I guess this is to give the impression I’m not desperate and that if you haven’t ‘booked’ me by Wednesday, you’re out of luck, even if I have nothing planned except on orgy with Ben & Jerry. I also like #3 don’t stare at men or talk too much. Uh, oppressed much? Or #16, don’t tell him what to do & #18, don’t try to change him. Obviously these two rules were NOT written for women, this is in their genetic makeup, I think there was a National Geographic special on it, they found the bitch gene, it was telling all the other genes what to do and how they should have been doing it all along. The whole concept of the book is the archaic concept of landing “Mr. Right” for marriage and the writers even reference the early 1900’s as the origin for the material. The problem with The Rules, advice from your girlfriends, self-help books, gossip, Facebook, your sister, your mom or any other female for that matter, is that the guys are not in the loop – they have no clue about the rules. So while you don’t call him back because the rules tell you that you aren’t supposed to ever call him and only take his calls occasionally, he just thinks you don’t answer, gets someone else’s didgets, and you’re left at home with your cat, Ben & Jerry and a copy of The Rules on another Saturday night.

Bridesmaids – Shit Women Do

Girlfriends are just the worst.  Why in the world would a friend ask you to come to a party, but then put a stipulation on that party:  that you have to not only buy a dress, but a really ugly dress.  A dress that you will never wear again, in a color that you would never wear in public, in a style that went out of style last year.  Plus, you have to do shit before, during and after this party?  If she is a really big bitch, she may ask you to loose weight, wear your hair in a certain way or color, nails, makeup, shoes, jewelry and the list keeps going.  Yet, if we are not part of this coveted group of girls, we are sad and offended, even if we aren’t that good of friends!  We all want to be bridesmaids, and the cu-de-ta – the maid of honor.  The movie 27 Dresses captures the concept of the outlandish dresses and behavior perfectly.  I have lived through my share of taffeta colors (pink, green, teal) and my girls wore red silk or something.  It’s a thankless job, and you really are just a slave to the bride, because once it begins, it really is all about her and nothing else matters and no one else exists.  The “Thank you”s and acknowledgments for the extra mile will go by the wayside, never to be heard or seen.  You really could save the woman’s life, literally, and it would not phase the bride to be, it would be an expectation, like ‘what took you so long’.  Then comes the best part.  If you’re in that marrying age and you have other girlfriends that are getting married it’s about to get awkward!  So, one person is in a wedding, but six months later does not ask that friend to be in her wedding.  Oops, guess you’re not friends anymore!  Either that, or, now you have 15 bridesmaids and you have tell your fiancé he needs to find more friends (looser) or ask his second cousin Marvin to step in.  The next time someone asks me to be a bridesmaid, I’ll just buy them a bottle of champagne and one for me.  I’ll come out ahead, without a headache and a decent buzz!  Prost!

Pantyhose Hell – Shit Women Do

Pantyhose, I have theorized, were an invention by a man to torture women.  I would say the same of SPANX, but we all know those were the brain child of Sara Blakely and that thousands of women “swear by their SPANX”.  Yet what is the first thing we do when we get home?  We rip off every layer of clothing, an audible ‘aaahhh’ emits from our mouths the moment our bra is unhooked and then the task at hand:  peel off that Lycra/nylon bondage that’s been holding in, up, apart, various body parts.  What the hell?  It’s hard as shit just to get into a pair of those damn things!  She knew that when she designed them, that’s why there’s a pee hole in the crotch so you don’t have to pull them up and down all night.  I’m sure there are women who say, “screw it, it took me 5 hours to get these on, they aren’t coming off until I HAVE to shower again!”  There are everything from tucking in the tummy and controlling the butt to propping up the boobs to covering the toes.  Any woman will tell you, the array of ’unmentionables’ that we have to select from makes shopping for them an expedition.  There is no running in to grab a pair, it’s a labor of dread and in this world, there is no faking it.  All of your fat and glory is in black and white in the sizing, because there is no getting away with cramming into a smaller size in the world of nylon/Lycra undergarments.  After we have spent half a day shopping for these torture devices, we wear them all day or night sweating our proverbial balls off, then work enough calories off to not need them in the process of trying to take them off.  Once they are off, we have every intention to care for them as the label reads:  Hand wash only.  We even bought that special soap.  I, along with almost everyone I know, have a pile of hose, lycra and that teddy you wore once in the corner of the closet that the cat finds quite comfortable.

The beginning of “Shit Women Do”

From the time that that damn little egg develops until the moment we draw our last breath, women will do some crazy shit in their lifetime. Is it because they are women? Is it because men drive them to this behavior? Maybe it’s a cosmic thing and we just will never understand the reason why the female version of homo sapiens do what they do. It would be such an adventure to travel the universe to see what other life forms out there have dueling sexes, or for that matter, multiple sexes, and what bizarre rituals, habits and activities they partake in.

Me, as a little egg ran into that shitty little sperm on accident. Oops. See, I was already trying to avoid people back then, but NO, somehow in that long ass fallopian tube that little shit found me and hitched a ride and I started to get fat right off the bat. Damn it. So like any other emotional girl, I found a corner to hide in and cry, suck my thumb and eat for nine months. That is until some guy convinced me it was worth it to get out there and face the world. I need to find that guy and punch him in the face.

IMAG0022I have no idea if my parents knew if they were going to have a girl. They could have been having a Buick for all they knew. These days, you find out the sex, size, weight, e-mail address, get a 3D image, place a cell phone call to it, pre-book the pre-K, already have play dates set and have the room custom decorated in anything but pepto pink or blasé blue. Most of the time (unless you are one of the small group of slightly odd, the jury is still out on, but not quite sure what to think of you, gender neutral parenting parents), the world and your child will know you are having a girl or a boy.

See, from the beginning, women are fundamentally different. We are just doing our own thing, we’ve got places to go, things to do, trying to avoid the crowd. Then here come the guys, with just one thing on their mind, like usual.  Well, boys can’t multi-task anyway.